'Xcuse Me! Home Is Priority For Me Too...

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Along the walk of life, I have met many a women - the ones who choose to follow a career even after they are married and have kids, the ones who choose to be homemakers because that's what they genuinely like doing, and those who choose to be homemakers simply because they are lazy to get out and work.

It is nothing new to find homemakers expressing concern over the homes run by the ones who choose to drive their career alongside. However, it is a matter of observation that the homemaker sect can be divided into two - the ones who are truly content with their lives and the ones who are plain lazy.

I have often noted that the truly content homemakers are often less judgmental about the working clan. In fact, most often this sect appreciates the working clan for the energy they exude.

"Your children will not feel loved", "They will fare bad at their studies.", "Who will take care of your husband's needs?", "Children will get cranky.", "YOU will get cranky.", "As a couple you will grow apart.", "God! Your kids will fall ill too often." are a few among the zillion advises poured out to women who choose to take up a career.

Needless to say, the ones that fall prey to these are the ones who get little or no support from the people they are supposed to. It's not just women, even men who are just plain lazy and unwilling to do their bit, pour out these kind of advises.

It is a typical characteristic of these people that they bear no intent to support or offer a helping hand, when it is needed.

"I told you so...", is all they will have to offer at a moment of support.

To all of you men and women out there who have this train of thought or have been that pregnant cloud down pouring these so-called words of wisdom - this one's for you...

I may be busy scheduling out my day,
I may have a maid to do the regular household chores for me,
Nevertheless, the home runs the way I want it to.
I manage it!

I take care to make sure that my home runs just as well in my absence.
The laundry gets done, the house gets swept clean and the kitchen runs fine, not just because I have a maid.
It's also because I know how to maintain her too.

I am sure to have carved out support
To ensure my child's safe and well taken care of.
I may not be with my child 24 hours a day.
But please care to note that I am my child's mother.
I take immense care and shell out lots of money
To ensure that my child is in safe hands.

Even after a busy day, I make time to
Chat with my little one, play games, watch cartoons and
See the smiles, giggles and laughter.
Like yours, my child too turns to me in times of illness, sorrow and joy because
I am also a mother and a caring one, after all...

With all due respect to the life you have chosen to live,
Please respect the fact that like you say your home is your priority,
It is no different for me.

It is cruel and downright idiocy to think that just because
I have chosen to pursue a career alongside I am a selfish being.
Honestly, I think it's high time
You change your lens of observation.

If you can, stop sitting up on a pedestal looking down upon me.
If not, crib behind my back for all you care. 
Just stop advising me, please...

Remember, I am just being polite not asking you to stop.
Don't push it!

I understand that your brain, knowledge train and/or life experience
Hasn't showered you with the capability of understanding
The life I choose to live.
Deal with this issue yourself, I pray. 
For I don't have
The time, energy or space
To give you a detailed class.

Be clear that my child, my home and my life is my problem.

Be aware that I shall heed your advise
When I think you may be in a position to offer a solution.
Until then, please understand that
Free advises are simply a waste of my time and yours.

Last but not the least;
Like everybody else on this earth,
I too am observant about the life around me.

I see couples living a fairly good life. 
Just in case you haven't noticed;
Love grows and relationships get stronger
When male counterparts do their fair share.
Not just when they want things done.
But also when it is the need of the hour-
Needless of who is at the needs' end.

With that note I'd like to enlighten you
That my husband may be in relation
Your brother, your son or your dear best friend.
However, before you seat yourself on the judge's chair,
It is a note to ponder that you will
Never know how he is as a husband - NEVER!

So if you cannot hold yourself back,
I would suggest that you
Reserve your advises for him,
Discuss events or console him, as you please.

Let me be ME.

Thank you ever so much!

Also Read:

Two Tales and a Few Thoughts

Three Lessons I Learned the Hard Way

Erin Brockovich: Always Inspiring

Three Lessons I Learned the Hard Way

Courtesy: amsl.com

Advises, advises and advises! The dictionary defines the word to be either an opinion or recommendation, a communication or an official notification. I'm sure most of you agree that in personal life, people expect advises to take the form of an opinion or recommendation. But is that so?

In retrospect, don't you think even in personal life, advises end up taking the form of an official notification?

I may be biased. However, based on what I have experienced, I thought I'd put together these three life lessons so that it is a reminder for me and possibly a red alert for at least some of you out there.

Small Small Things

This was way back when I was little. Knowingly or unknowingly, I was made to believe that I was big. So big, that people around me couldn't understand why I couldn't analyze a lot of things. Why I reacted to everything? Why I had to be so sensitive? Today I am aware that I was only 10 or 12 or 20 when I kept hearing and sensing such things. I looked big because I had siblings far too smaller than me. So by and by I imbibed that there is something called ‘small small things’ which needed to be ignored.

Although the hard way, I learned to do that – to gulp, ignore and let go.

The end result? A growing thought within me that I am just not worth anything. Why? For a long time, I believed that I am just mediocre at everything I do. Whenever, lady luck or appreciation for good work came by, I felt the best thing to say was, “Oh! It's nothing" or "It’s not me, really.” I used to actually identify a Godfather or Godmother, who I felt deserved praise. That, according to me was, humility.

Of course, everybody out there is not like me. But, I am aware that a huge percentage thinks the way I did. They wonder why they expect a good word; they do yearn for it and at the nick of time shy away from it to build humility.

You stand with an award in hand and firmly believe that it was just because your mom chose that song for you. It's not your voice or your talent.

But, that’s just one side of the story. The other, and probably the more damaging side is, when it comes to taking the blame. People like me are scared to stand up for ourselves.

For a long time I used to term 'standing up for yourselves' as a display of pride and ego. Ego, according to me was something we shouldn't have. The paradox is that all the while we let everybody else boost their ego at our expense.

So, we end up gulping (not erasing) the so called ‘small things’. Erasing is not an option here because nothing is resolved.

Like everything small, these small things also grow. And one day it turns too big to stay within. It comes out bad and nasty.

And the same people who taught you to gulp ask you the most weird question ever – “Why did you wait for this to get so big? Couldn't you tell about this earlier?”

Duh..?

It's happened to you. Don’t pass it on. It's human to give what you get. KEEP A CHECK. You breed the most confused bunch that way. Teach, encourage and coach your children to ask you ‘Why?’ until they get an answer; no matter how authoritative you appear.

Lesson one: Do not ignore small things and do not teach your children to do                            that.

In Touch with God

A recent conversation…

“Finally after all the hardships in life, now that I am settled, I get this hurt spine. But I am not sad. It’s just God’s way of telling me to keep in touch.”

I have grown up hearing this. But goodness gracious me! That’s the most ridiculous statement I have ever heard. Yes, I have also read all those forwards about the man at the construction site who looked up only when a stone was thrown at him.

But people! Do you even know what your face looks like when you look up at someone who has just stoned you? Don’t you realize that the only way that frown disappears is when the person who flung that stone at you apologized?

I am sorry. I refuse to believe that God works that way. Life is a circle. There are good and bad times in all aspects of life. I believe, it just makes you cry all the more if you think the Savior you cling on to for protection does nasty things to keep you focused on him/her. How silly!

Personally I pray, when I am at peace. I love thanking and hate blaming and going to war with a Being I love.

It’s completely sane to be pious. But don’t draw the picture of a God who waits to give you trouble. Atheists fare far higher then. No face is better than a horrid face.

Lesson two: Believe in the love of God than His/Her wrath. Teach your children                      to face reality, rather than fearing and escaping punishments.

You are too small to decide

My life went through a huge turmoil with this piece of advice. I accept that at the age of 15 you have no clue how your life's going to turn out, But excuse me – nobody can give you that guarantee card, can they? If there is a system designed by human beings that 15 is the first stage where you can choose which way you want to steer your academics, they would have done all the logic analysis before arriving at that age.

Do not scare the hell out of your children just so that they choose something that meets your standards. Yes, all parents want the best for their children. It's just that we overlook what they need the most – confidence in expressing and going by their own choice. Assuring that we will be with them no matter what happens.

Many a time I have heard people say, "you will feel so now but you will regret later."

Why? 

Is it bad to regret?

Is it a nightmare to learn to recoup?

Will the world be a dead end for them?

Most importantly - will it always have to end up that way just because your experience or gut feel says so?

Let's face it – it's not just about their good. It's an equal measure, and sometimes more, of our image too.

Just don’t do it. Don't kill a child's decision making ability at its genesis.

And if the child is really persistent, it's common to say, "Fine! Do as you please."

I can't express how freaking lonely that statement makes you feel at the age of 15 or 17.

Lesson three: Parents and just privileged care takers. Every individual is                                  special and unique. Respect that!

Let me assure you that I have no ill feelings towards my parents. I love them with all of my heart. Every parenting goes through a few flaws. However, I am just using this space to reiterate NOT to repeat these.

As a last note. It's ok to ask forgiveness to your child. Accept your flaws.

Life ain't perfect. But, build perfect bridges. Keeps the journey smooth.

Also Read:

You Are Not Alone. Believe It. It's True!

Reminders from Nirupama Rajeev

A Death Visual

The Dark One

Courtesy: www.darrol.com

Flashback...  In the 80s and 90s – my growing up years

(Excerpts from an old conversation in the kitchen, while on vacation at my ancestral home)

Housemaid (to a barely 4-year-old): "Taste this – it is beetroot."

4-year-old: "I didn't like the taste, aunty"

Housemaid: "If you have beetroot, you will get a fair complexion"

All the other ladies in the kitchen with a put-on excitement, in unison: "Yes! Yes!"

4-year-old: "Oh… ok."

In my memory that was probably the first time when it actually hit me that I was dark. It was my introduction to racism, I guess. Though it didn't really hurt at that point in time, it did convey the message that it's not a great plus if you are dark. The 'strive-to-be-fair' code sets somewhere in your brain.

Everyone has growing pains. The one assigned to me was titled skin tone. You counter advices and opinions for everything. Only authorized shades make it to your wardrobe. And in the wardrobe there are certified champions. Yellow was a one-time champion. The trophy passed on to peach a few years down the line. To think of it now, the comedy lies in why only a few colors could make it to my wardrobe. The other colors made me look dark! Well, ain't I dark already?

Home remedy beauty treatments was my worst chore. Curds, turmeric, milk cream, saffron, honey – the list was quite exorbitant. To be honest, the beauty masks give you a lot of hope while you are in it. However, washing the face mask rarely provides any kind of job satisfaction. You are still dark – fresh looking, but yet, dark.

I have and always will cherish my hair. The compliments it fetched were like brownie points to my self-confidence meter. But it had its own limitations. Though I had silky smooth hair, I wasn't really allowed to leave it loose, in my teens. "Mukahthu vettam veezhatte. Athangu ketti vekkunnatha kochinu cherunnathu" ("Tie up your hair. It'll help brighten your face.") Those were the times when I pictured my hair and skin as rivals.

The worst probably was when I overheard that I shouldn't drape a sari because I was dark. For a teenager, that surely hits the jackpot.

As I grew up, I indulged in fairness creams, face masks, bleaches and what not. The umbrella was my bodyguard. It was a never ending revolt against my skin tone.  Light-hearted comments on the lines that I seem fair on an odd day would put me on cloud 9 because the effort behind it was tremendous and in a way, strenuous.

Every struggle gets to a turning point for the good. Mine kicked off with the answer my friend once gave me when I asked her how I looked that day.  She said it with such warmth and a lot of understanding. She looked straight into my eyes and said, “You look good Bis. But, if your question meant to ask if you look fair, the answer is no. That, probably, will never be.”  I just smiled back. I honestly felt caught doing something wrong. 

The rest of the story is not filmy. The face masks and fairness creams didn't jump out of the window the next instance. Things took time. God, in His bounty, gave me dark skin. The brain, however, was bright enough. I was blessed enough to take that advice positively. It was very gradual that I began looking at myself differently. Yes, to some extent I could brighten up my face but the fact remains that I am dark. The sooner I accepted it the better. After all, if the society merits the fair, it is because the dark ones exist.

Today I have moved on and beyond my strike against my own color. Believe me, I feel absolutely confident and great, now that I have simply accepted the fact that I am dark. Some colors make me look a shade lighter and some a shade darker. No more bleaches or fairness creams for me. God gave me more than one serving of melanin and I am proud of it. I love all colors and tend to try all of them. The society remains the same. They have their opinions and suggestions. I nod to all of them and continue with my experiments.

I hope this post comes through as an eye opener for those of you who pass comments (unintentionally or otherwise) to your fellow beings. More importantly, this post, I pray, lights up those who are looking for happiness behind a façade. It may be your height, your weight, your color or your voice. For a start just keep telling yourself that that is what you are. Talk about it and joke about it. It's best to accept and enjoy things you just can't change.

Let me stop on a lighter note. Here's a comment I got from many during my motherhood. (I am glad it made me laugh, rather than offend me):

Society: "Thank God Alexi (my son) has not got his mother's color. And thank God it's a son. What a risk if it were a girl!"

My inner voice: "Boy! Dark mothers shouldn't have girls? Talk about risks… I don't ever want to know what I or my mom would have heard when I was his age.”

The social drama never stops….