Three Lessons I Learned the Hard Way

Courtesy: amsl.com

Advises, advises and advises! The dictionary defines the word to be either an opinion or recommendation, a communication or an official notification. I'm sure most of you agree that in personal life, people expect advises to take the form of an opinion or recommendation. But is that so?

In retrospect, don't you think even in personal life, advises end up taking the form of an official notification?

I may be biased. However, based on what I have experienced, I thought I'd put together these three life lessons so that it is a reminder for me and possibly a red alert for at least some of you out there.

Small Small Things

This was way back when I was little. Knowingly or unknowingly, I was made to believe that I was big. So big, that people around me couldn't understand why I couldn't analyze a lot of things. Why I reacted to everything? Why I had to be so sensitive? Today I am aware that I was only 10 or 12 or 20 when I kept hearing and sensing such things. I looked big because I had siblings far too smaller than me. So by and by I imbibed that there is something called ‘small small things’ which needed to be ignored.

Although the hard way, I learned to do that – to gulp, ignore and let go.

The end result? A growing thought within me that I am just not worth anything. Why? For a long time, I believed that I am just mediocre at everything I do. Whenever, lady luck or appreciation for good work came by, I felt the best thing to say was, “Oh! It's nothing" or "It’s not me, really.” I used to actually identify a Godfather or Godmother, who I felt deserved praise. That, according to me was, humility.

Of course, everybody out there is not like me. But, I am aware that a huge percentage thinks the way I did. They wonder why they expect a good word; they do yearn for it and at the nick of time shy away from it to build humility.

You stand with an award in hand and firmly believe that it was just because your mom chose that song for you. It's not your voice or your talent.

But, that’s just one side of the story. The other, and probably the more damaging side is, when it comes to taking the blame. People like me are scared to stand up for ourselves.

For a long time I used to term 'standing up for yourselves' as a display of pride and ego. Ego, according to me was something we shouldn't have. The paradox is that all the while we let everybody else boost their ego at our expense.

So, we end up gulping (not erasing) the so called ‘small things’. Erasing is not an option here because nothing is resolved.

Like everything small, these small things also grow. And one day it turns too big to stay within. It comes out bad and nasty.

And the same people who taught you to gulp ask you the most weird question ever – “Why did you wait for this to get so big? Couldn't you tell about this earlier?”

Duh..?

It's happened to you. Don’t pass it on. It's human to give what you get. KEEP A CHECK. You breed the most confused bunch that way. Teach, encourage and coach your children to ask you ‘Why?’ until they get an answer; no matter how authoritative you appear.

Lesson one: Do not ignore small things and do not teach your children to do                            that.

In Touch with God

A recent conversation…

“Finally after all the hardships in life, now that I am settled, I get this hurt spine. But I am not sad. It’s just God’s way of telling me to keep in touch.”

I have grown up hearing this. But goodness gracious me! That’s the most ridiculous statement I have ever heard. Yes, I have also read all those forwards about the man at the construction site who looked up only when a stone was thrown at him.

But people! Do you even know what your face looks like when you look up at someone who has just stoned you? Don’t you realize that the only way that frown disappears is when the person who flung that stone at you apologized?

I am sorry. I refuse to believe that God works that way. Life is a circle. There are good and bad times in all aspects of life. I believe, it just makes you cry all the more if you think the Savior you cling on to for protection does nasty things to keep you focused on him/her. How silly!

Personally I pray, when I am at peace. I love thanking and hate blaming and going to war with a Being I love.

It’s completely sane to be pious. But don’t draw the picture of a God who waits to give you trouble. Atheists fare far higher then. No face is better than a horrid face.

Lesson two: Believe in the love of God than His/Her wrath. Teach your children                      to face reality, rather than fearing and escaping punishments.

You are too small to decide

My life went through a huge turmoil with this piece of advice. I accept that at the age of 15 you have no clue how your life's going to turn out, But excuse me – nobody can give you that guarantee card, can they? If there is a system designed by human beings that 15 is the first stage where you can choose which way you want to steer your academics, they would have done all the logic analysis before arriving at that age.

Do not scare the hell out of your children just so that they choose something that meets your standards. Yes, all parents want the best for their children. It's just that we overlook what they need the most – confidence in expressing and going by their own choice. Assuring that we will be with them no matter what happens.

Many a time I have heard people say, "you will feel so now but you will regret later."

Why? 

Is it bad to regret?

Is it a nightmare to learn to recoup?

Will the world be a dead end for them?

Most importantly - will it always have to end up that way just because your experience or gut feel says so?

Let's face it – it's not just about their good. It's an equal measure, and sometimes more, of our image too.

Just don’t do it. Don't kill a child's decision making ability at its genesis.

And if the child is really persistent, it's common to say, "Fine! Do as you please."

I can't express how freaking lonely that statement makes you feel at the age of 15 or 17.

Lesson three: Parents and just privileged care takers. Every individual is                                  special and unique. Respect that!

Let me assure you that I have no ill feelings towards my parents. I love them with all of my heart. Every parenting goes through a few flaws. However, I am just using this space to reiterate NOT to repeat these.

As a last note. It's ok to ask forgiveness to your child. Accept your flaws.

Life ain't perfect. But, build perfect bridges. Keeps the journey smooth.

Also Read:

You Are Not Alone. Believe It. It's True!

Reminders from Nirupama Rajeev

A Death Visual

Movies that Touched My Heart: The Pursuit of Happyness

Courtesy: Wikipedia

Movie release: December, 2006
Aimed to watch the movie: From December, 2006
Aim accomplished: May 2013

I know that that is a long lag time with the technology that we have today. Better late than never, I suppose. The important thing is I watched it and I already saw it around 5 times now. That action should be verdict in itself of how I rate the movie. I see a lot of movies and enjoy many of them. However, there are a few which actually touch my heart. Gabriele Muccino’s Pursuit of Happyness definitely makes it to the list.

This motion picture is based on the life of salesman-turned-stockbroker Chris Gardner. It focuses on the phase when Gardner struggles with homelessness and battles with life to make ends meet. It captures his determination to make it big while sticking to the promise he had made to himself a very long time ago – to be a good father.

Will Smith takes me by surprise in The Pursuit of Happyness. Please don't get me wrong. He is a good actor. However, he is more often seen in action-oriented roles. The ease with which he has portrayed the life of Chris Gardner was a welcome surprise. It was interesting to note that I wasn't the only one who thought so. Wikipedia says that Chris Gardner himself (who also makes a special appearance in the movie) reportedly thought Smith, an actor best known for his performances in action movies, was miscast to play him. However, he said his daughter Jacintha 'set him straight' by saying, "If Smith can play Muhammad Ali, he can play you!" 

Will Smith gives true justice to the role of Chris Gardner. Every expression was subtle and absolutely ideal to the situation at hand, especially the one in the climax scene with the board of interviewers.

The movie is a perfect portrayal of a rather imperfect life. I loved the narrative style of the movie. Since this motion picture is inspired from a book, this style particularly deserves a star.

The inference to the phrase 'pursuit of happiness', from the Declaration of Independence was thought-provoking.

I liked the titles given at different phases of Chris's life - riding the bus, being stupid, running etc. I particularly enjoyed noticing that the phase titled 'being stupid' leaves you feeling helpless, rather than making you laugh at someone's stupidity. On the contrary, there are elements of comic relief infused in the movie. For instance, the moment  the narrator describes a phase of his life as 'running', we laugh for a brief moment although the scene is in no way funny. I felt it helped balance the viewer's emotions while keeping them glued to the screen. That is, in my opinion, brilliant direction and editing.

Moments engraved in my heart:

Being a parent myself, the basketball scene was an amazing take-away. Jaden Smith particularly did an amazing job there. A 5-year-old would certainly be confused with the way the advice is shared. But it's true that such advice would grow with him. A little mystery always helps!

Also, I second the abstract statement this feature film makes. Good and effective parenting is not about being with your child all the time. It is about spending quality time with them. You needn't be secretive every time about the struggles you are going through. It teaches them things that no text books ever can. It is a realization that children are intelligent beings.

The subway scene was such an innocent scene and yet it was so touching. Good parenting often demands a lot of imagination amidst stress and helplessness. Brilliant!

Like I mentioned before, Will Smith's expressions were totally amazing. My heart goes out to the climax scene. His expression when he is with the board of interviewers was absolutely perfect. I opted out from inserting that clip just to save the climax for any late Kates like me out there who may not have seen the movie yet.

Today, I salute Chris Gardner for the life he dared to live and I give this movie credit for that. My heartfelt applause to Gabriele Muccino for designing the movie so well. Cheers to the entire cast and crew!